September 19th, 2006

To taste!

(Miami Cross Blogination day has arrived. The post below was written by Steve from “Klotz” as in “Blood” for Mango & Lime. My post (warning: it’s not food related) will appear on Steve’s blog. See a full list of today’s blog switch assignments.)

It’s a commonplace by now: the dining experience has as much to do with a diner’s satisfaction as the taste of the food. An authoritative presentation, an appropriate ambiance, attractive setting, etc., all combine to make a meal a memorable one.

Gasper and Effluvia Schadenfreude began their careers as restaurateurs in their native Argentina; their parents and grandparents owned and operated taverns, private clubs, and banquet halls back home, and even in Europe, before emigrating in the 1930s. Their current project is to find the “perfect corner of the perfect building” in South Beach for an exclusive, upscale eatery where they can deploy the skills and techniques honed by three generations of gustatory professionals.

“Look at the floor plans!” says Gasper, excitedly, when I drop by. “Every table — precisely 3 dozen 4-tops — is situated so every diner has a view out the window, and can see every other diner in the room! The perfect setting for the ultimate See and Be Seen set!”

“Which means passers-by can see inside as well,” adds Effluvia. “So we will adorn the walls with floor-to-ceiling mirrors. As soon as you so much as peek in you’re part of the scene! Seated inside you can see yourself from a dozen angles!”

Interesting. The gourmet voyeur. Stalking the perfect salad.

“The table settings themselves will be works of art. Rosewood tables, Autumn Boutis tablecloths. We’re looking at Mikassa china, Waterford crystal, Lenox flatware. Every menu will feature an original painting, printed by hand, and signed!” notes Gasper, proudly.

“And wait ’til you see the wait staff. We’ve made a deal with a modeling agency — people’s jaws will drop just seeing them walk across the floor!” crows Effluvia.

Sounds fabulous beyond description. What will you serve?


Yes, you know. What kind of food, what special recipes?

Gasper shakes his head impatiently. “You miss the point, my friend,” he explains. “There’s no food here. Food would completely destroy the perfect ambiance we’ve designed.”

“People don’t look their best when they’re shoving food in their mouths and chewing,” puts in Effluvia. “And food smells. Its odor clings to clothing, and hair, and the walls of the room. You drop it, it stains the clothes. It muddies up the teeth. No, we can’t have anything as crass as food or drink in a beautful place for beautiful people like this.”

“That’s so un-South Beach, anyway,” adds Gasper. “Eating meals is so Yesterday. Solid and plodding and so terrbily real-life three-dimensional. We’re on the edge here, flitting about the cosmos. People come to South Beach to look at themselves, talk about themselves, and hear what others say about themselves. That’s what we’ve designed here. The perfect setting, complete with beautiful props, to indulge themselves. Food, indeed! Feh!”

The Schadenfreuds are hoping to open in time for Tourist Season. Watch this
space for developments!

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5 Responses to “To taste!”

  1. I think these people are already operating. Last few times I ate dinner in South Beach it was exactly like this, a room full of fawning, preening, spoiled, shallow, self-centered bores. And the portions served were so small (and overpriced) they might as well have skipped the food entirely.

  2. Steve, you need to talk to Nicky Hilton!

  3. Oh now that was goooooooooood! I can see it being a hit too. LOL! They’ll have a special VIP section with named tables like the “Karen Carpenter” table. Can we get Nicole Richie on the guest list?

  4. This article made me realize how much I miss South Beach, where the pretty shells on the sand often matched the shells in people’s heads.

  5. What a hoot! Are we sure this place doesn’t already exist?

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